Grief Etiquette: What to do

Aloha Dave Rainbow
By Christine Ernst Bode

After her husband’s death, Rosemary’s clients stopped calling, “They acted like I had gotten caught embezzling. I actually spotted one of my oldest clients crossing the street just to avoid me.” She finally decided to call every one of her clients - some were relieved and immediately returned to working with her. They were very fond of her and liked the work she did for them, but hadn’t wanted to broach an uncomfortable subject. Others just couldn’t deal with it and never worked with her again.
Death isn’t something we like to talk about very much. So, when it comes into our lives, we are left totally unprepared. When a person loses someone who was an intimate part of their life, they experience both a profound loss and the feeling, “Curtain down, end of act.” But the play continues. The grieving person is left looking for clues about how the next act will be played…how to go on with a life that has been utterly changed. It doesn’t help their grief when so many people are insensitive to, and uncomfortable with, their mourning. After Rita’s brother was killed on 9/11, she and Joan, her friend of 30 years, barely spoke. “I was consumed with grief and Joan avoided the subject.” Seven months later Rita confronted Joan who revealed that she hadn’t known what to say. On the other hand, the flood of cards and emails Rita received from people she hadn’t heard from in decades spoke more about their need to connect with a collective tragedy than about Rita’s grief over her brother.
When Christine went back to work after her sister’s death, “people averted their eyes when I walked by. I felt stigmatized—and I couldn’t figure out why.” Those who worked closely with her were comforting, but those who knew her less well generally avoided her.
Afraid of doing the wrong thing, many people do nothing. Doing nothing, avoiding the grieving person, or conveying your embarrassment or discomfort, is not an option for a thoughtful, sensitive person. From the experiences of many people around the globe who were left to attend the funerals of close loved ones, here are some ideas that can override the guilt, confusion, or paralysis. The response does not have to be complex or creative. Usually, the most helpful things are the most basic. So let’s shed the fear and the “there but for the grace of God, go I” attitude and surge forth to help the person in need.

What to Do:

Address the loss. Major gaffes aside, whatever you say will be okay. There are no words that will bring the person back and there are no words that will diminish the grief. So it really doesn’t matter what you say, but it is important to say something. You can even say, “I have no idea how hard this is, but you are in my thoughts/prayers.” No one expects you to have an answer, but don’t let the pressure of not having the right thing to say stop you from saying (or writing) something.
Don’t ask. Do. Don’t wait for them to ask you for something and don’t expect a real answer when you ask if there is anything you can do. Just figure out what the need is and do it. Immediately after the death people will have to be informed. You can ask if it would be helpful to make a list (name and telephone numbers) of people to notify. If your specialty is paperwork, pitch in with the medical, insurance, or estate work. If you like to cook, prepare and freeze meals, and if you’re neat, do laundry and clean the house. Shop, do errands, talk to lawyers, answer the phone, pick the kids up from school, make a list for thank you notes – whatever you can do to keep the daily machine going will be appreciated. And down the line, when the person is ready, assisting with the deceased’s belongings will be very helpful.
If you’re looking for a direct answer, ask a yes or no question. Although you may also want to give the grieving person a forum to talk about their feelings, if you want to help them in a practical way, ask direct questions. Instead of asking what they feel like eating, ask if they will be home in the evening so that you may drop off some soup. Clear communication will also help you assist in the complex maze of decision making. The person may or may not feel like making decisions, so try to assist instead of pushing them. Let them know what the options are and help them boil it down to a conclusion. (*All significant decisions should be put off for at least six months if possible.)
Don’t take anything personally and don’t forget that this is about them, not you. The person is grieving and may act rashly and uncharacteristically. Give them a wide berth and the comfort to use it without having to think about it. Be sensitive to the grieving person and remember that they probably don’t want to hear about every person you knew who died. (And, depending upon the person, thank you notes may not happen no matter what the intention, so be appreciative if one arrives but don’t expect it.)
Listen… and remember silences are okay. If the person wants to talk, your greatest asset will be your ears and your patience. Try to avoid offering advice and don’t think you need to have answers. There are no answers and there is no single or correct response. Support the person in the way he/she needs to be supported and don’t try to solve the unsolvable problem. Attune your senses and take your cues from them. Also remember that every quiet moment doesn’t have to be filled - there can be great comfort in just being. The silences may bring you closer in an unexpected spiritual sense.
Include them in activities and keep in touch, but give them space. They may want to get out and take their mind off of things but wouldn’t plan something on their own. Remember to be sensitive to the kinds of activities you include them in. Asking someone who just lost their spouse to see a midnight screening of Ghost is not a great idea, but a light movie or dinner with friends is. Be aware that grief often brings depression and fatigue, so don’t pressure them about social engagements. They may want time alone to absorb the loss or just need to get their energy back. Always ask first, “Are you up to going out?” Even an email or phone call can help alleviate the feeling of isolation. But when you check in don’t make it something that requires a response if they don’t feel like it.
Avoid making demands no matter how simple. This is a very fragile time. Although it may seem perfectly logical to you to ask your friend to pick up something when they’re at the store, it may feel like an enormous burden to someone who is grieving. Do it yourself.
Make a list of bereavement groups in your area. Write them down along with all of the pertinent information you can think of (name, address, telephone number, contact name, time of meeting, whether or not the meeting is for a specific group). If you do this, the person can do what they feel like when the moment is right. If there are no bereavement groups in your area, you can help with books or online resources.
Know when to be there - figure out what the toughest times are and be in touch then. If you ask them you might get some insight as to when that phone call or visit will be most helpful. Also keep in mind that often the most difficult times come when the out of towners go home, the activity wanes, the invitations to distraction slow down, and the silence sets in.
The period immediately after loss frequently becomes a blur and, like everything else, grief is a process. Focusing on anything for very long will be difficult and the memory may take a leave of absence. Instead of imagining what you might want, try to put yourself in their shoes (and head) and understand how best to help them. This particularly applies to privacy levels as well as depth, extent, and frequency of discussions about the deceased. There is no right or wrong way to experience it, there is no race, and there is no finish line. At times the grieving person may need to be reminded of this. The grieving period is thought to be ending when the crying slows, the energy returns, and the person begins reëngaging in their life.
Talk to the other friends of the grieving person (while maintaining their privacy). We all pick up different things and talking will help everyone get a better read on how the person feels and what they need. Friends may discover that the grieving friend is not eating unless food is already prepared or that going to the cemetery is a positive experience. If you can pool this information it may help everyone.
Let it out on your own time. Your emotions don’t have to be on ice just because someone is in greater pain than you are, but don’t bring your emotional complications to the grieving person. Write in your journal or talk to your confidants instead of bringing more worries to the worried. Talking is good, burdening is bad – so find the fine line between the two.
Grief can be further complicated by extenuating circumstances. Special cases with circumstances that the deceased potentially influenced can have an enormous impact on reactions to the death. This category would include suicide and drug or alcohol related deaths. In complicated cases such as these, it may be helpful to seek experienced counsel from a professional or someone who walked through the same fire and came out the other side.
Be yourself and don’t manufacture an emotion that isn’t authentic. If you’re phony, they’ll smell it a mile away.

When someone dies there is an initial jolt of shock and disbelief and everyone gathers ‘round. After the disbelief fades into reality, people go back to their lives - “the crisis is over”. But the crisis period ends at different times for different people and that period of time is proportional to the closeness of the grieving person to the deceased. The grieving person may need help months down the line, this is the very time most people assume they are “getting over it”.
Don’t forget that the death never goes away. There is no such thing as “closure”. Time passes and the wound of the loss eventually becomes a scar, but the experience is never “over”, instead it gets woven into the fabric of one’s experience. The scar serves as a reminder of the experience and a symbol of the distance traveled from the pain as well as the healing that has taken place.

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Grief Etiquette: What to do

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